AusTEN

I went to Austin, Texas this past weekend with my roommate, Jordan, mainly to see what all the hype was about this city. Austin doesn’t fit the stereotype of the rest of Texas. It’s more “Is this chicken organic?” and less “Duh hail?” Here’s an example. My roommate and I traveled to Austin. When 2 dudes travel together, people start to question things, so we had our work cut out for us. We were talking to a guy from Austin who informed us that it was Pride weekend. Without saying a word, I went back into my room and changed out of my borderline neonish, tie dyeish tank top into a solid grey t-shirt. It’s not that I’m insecure about my sexuality, but I also don’t want to be missing out on the chance at my future wife because they think that Richard Simmons is about to raid the streets of Austin.

The people there are very friendly except for this one guy. He had an emotionless face with sunglasses and an Indiana University hat on. As I was passing him on the sidewalk, I yelled, “Go Hoosiers!” Not a word from him. He walked past me at the same slow pace with the same blank face.

I ate myself into a coma from the moment I got off the plane because that’s what you do in Austin. For one of my breakfast meals, I had a maple glazed donut with 6 strips of bacon smothering the top. As good as this donut was, it made me want to take a shower ASAP. The trip was worth it for the food alone.

Also, Austin’s 6^th street is the longest stretch of bars in America, which we took full advantage of. I don’t know many bars we went to, but there was only one bar that we went to multiple nights: Pete’s Piano Bar. It’s a dueling piano bar that takes requests from the audience. The songs they performed ranged from Sweet Caroline to The Real Slim Shady. The second night we were there, this older guy comes in with an attractive younger lady with a giant rock on her ring finger. So, the guy was standing next to me at the bar, and I asked, “What do you do for a living?” He said, “I’m retired.” I replied, “Ahh. What did you USED to do?” He told me what he used to do, but it has slipped my memory. Then, I followed up with the question, “How did you meet your wife?” With a confused look on his face, he says, “That’s an odd sequence of questions.” Oh boy, I thought as I slowly distanced myself from him. About 15 minutes later, he approaches me, “Are you saying that I outkicked my coverage?” In which I immediately replied, “Isn’t that everyone’s goal!?” For about 3 seconds he had the same look on his face as the blank faced Hoosier guy, then busted into laughter, bought my friend and I a beer, then a jello shot that came in a giant syringe. I left him my blog info that night. So, rich guy if you’re reading this, stop and go be with your beautiful wife. Anyways, after that night we stopped to get some pizza on 6^th street. For some odd reason, we went into a place that had screamo music blaring in the background. As I was ordering, the guy, turned to his right and yelled, “Hey quiet down, I’m trying to do business out here!” I looked around, but saw/heard no one. Hesitantly, I finished my order. As he turned around to get my slices of pizza, “All hail satan” was imprinted on the back of his shirt. He gave me my food as I asked God to cast the demons out of each pepperoni on my pizza.

On Sunday afternoon, we went to this bar called “The Flying Pig” on 6^th street to watch some football. Not very many people were at the bar. There was live music playing because it’s Austin; that’s what you do. Jordan left his spot at the bar, I was alone at the end of the bar watching the game, and a guy puts his backpack down in Jordan’s chair, and since the music was loud, he yells into my ear, “I got 10 pounds of weed in this backpack! Watch it for me!” as he went to the restroom. After I saw him disappear into the restroom, I picked up his backpack, and sure enough, it was about 10 pounds. So, I watched the game, and this gentleman’s weed, until he got out of the restroom.

We used the apps, Lyft and Uber to get around the city. The way each of these apps work is you request a ride, a driver comes and picks you up, then you pay them through the app. This was the most interesting part of the trip because this is where I met some of the most interesting people on this trip. Meet some of my drivers:

Adolpho picked us up from the airport. I asked him how long he’s been working for Lyft. Adolpho said, “I only work for Lyft when it rains because I‘m a professional tennis player.” I looked out the window and there were clear blue skies. “I’m sure you are Adolpho,” I thought, but what really came out of my mouth was, “Wow! Good for you!” About halfway into the trip, Adolpho tries to get a conversation going, “You know, Lyft is illegal in Austin.” “Is it?” I asked intrigued. He replied, “Yeah but you should be fine.”

Roman is about as monotone as you can get and very gothic. It was our first day in the city so I asked Roman, “What should we do while we’re here for the weekend?” I stumped Roman. You could tell that he doesn’t get out much based on the amount of time he took to answer this question. After minutes of deep thought a light clicked in Roman’s head, “Actually, I’ve really been into disc golf. You could do that.” “Yeah, that’s an idea,” I said unconvincingly.

Jalisa was very nice but also very loud. Since it was early in the morning after a long Friday night, I found her personality troubling even though it probably would have been lovely any other morning. She told me that her car’s name was Kiki. I asked her why and she told me, “You know this car just reminds me of a girl that gets from place to place real quick. I got a speeding ticket a couple of weeks ago, but I had no idea that I was going 85.” She, then, said that her previous car, “White Boy,” died due to an accident she had. Enter my doubts on Lyft’s background check. Despite her terrible driving record, she got us to where we needed to go: Gourdough’s.

Colin took us to the airport. He used to be a professional snowboarder. He fit the snowboarding stereotype: small, outgoing, in great shape, etc. “What brought you here?” Jordan asked. “Well, my ex-wife dragged me here so that she could be closer to her boyfriend that she was cheating on me with for 10 years.” “Oh dear…” I said softly underneath my breath. Colin got a call on his phone that he has linked to his Bluetooth stereo. He answers his phone, “What’s up fag?” The guy starts laughing. Then, we listened to them talk about their co-ed indoor soccer league and how they were going to “destroy some chicks tonight” for the rest of the car ride.

Terry. Oh Terry. I truly saved the best for last. Let me preface this by saying sorry for the language. It’s Terry, not me. I requested an Uber after a long Saturday night on 6^th street. We hopped in the car as he was talking to his boo over the Bluetooth stereo, once again. “Goodnight daddy,” she echoes throughout the car. He replies, “Love you mommy,” as I stared out the window trying not to eavesdrop. He was really quiet for the first half of the ride, then he asked us where we were from. When we told him that we were from Virginia, here is how the conversation went:

Daddy: Oh so you hang out with Bigfoot over there?

(Laughter)

 Daddy: Nah I know that stuff’s not true. Shiii. But aliens, now I belie dat. That shi’s trippy. Got no assholes. I know they’re for real.

Me: (Trying not to laugh) How are you so certain?

Daddy: I saw this thing on the TV. The History channel. They got these bigass heads, bigass bodies, no assholes. I even woke up my old lady because I didn’t want to be the only one experiencing this.

Me: (Whole shaking due to silent laughter because of this conversation and the fact that he thinks that he’s the only one watching a show on the History channel)

Daddy: Ya’ll think I’m crazy probably…

Jordan: Nah I can see that (silent laughter)

Daddy: Yeah man. Ask your grandparents about the UFO in 1941

Me: You mean Pearl Harbor?

Daddy: No man the UFO! They’ll know what I’m talking about.

Me: Will do.

So, Mammaw and Pappaw, let me first apologize for the language, but do you remember the UFO of 1941?

Craigslist Josh

So, I’ve been selling things on Craigslist. My initial motive was to make some extra cash, but then it morphed into me just wanting to meet some of the most interesting people out there. I sold a total of 9 items in a 2 month span, and now it is my duty to share some of these stories, so that we can judge Craigslist customers worldwide.

First thing I sold was my desk. This was going to be an easy sell because it was a great desk. The desk had two parts: the bottom part, which was just the typical desk part and the top part, which consisted of the cubbies that went along with the desk. It was awkwardly shaped, so it took Sweet Cam (refer to last post) and I about 30 minutes to load this on the trailer. As we made a left turn out of the driveway, the top part of the desk detached itself and fell of the trailer onto the road. This was very embarrassing due to the fact that I was only moving about a half mile down the road. Now, I had to put a little more effort into selling this thing. I went back and lowered the price on Craigslist by about 75%. A guy text me and said that he wanted to meet me after work to take a look at it. I met him after work at my place. He said, “Let’s see if it’s sturdy.” Side note: whenever I quote my Craigslist buyers, just imagine the thickest redneck accent possible. It makes the story funnier and not too far from the truth. Anyways, since he questioned the durability of the desk, he was shaking it violently, laying on it, giving it the People’s elbow, etc. “It’s sturdy,” he says. I sold it and helped him move the bottom part of the desk out to his car. As I went back in to get the second half of the desk, I could not get in because it was locked. This was very unfortunate since my keys and cell phone were in my apartment. I borrowed the Craigslist buyer’s cell phone and contacted my sister who contacted her roommate who contact my roommate to let me in. Luckily, it was only a 30 minute process. I got him the second part of the desk in exchange for a quick $50.

My desk chair was nothing special, so I listed it for $20. This kid messaged me and said that he wanted to buy it. Let me just say, this “kid” was in college, but referring to him as a “kid” makes me feel superior, so let’s just go with it. The kid shows up at my place and takes a look at the chair. He says, “All I got is $10.” Since I was once a college student I knew that his financial situation was that of a Nicolas Cage. I said, “Sure that’s fine.” In which he replied with, “Can you break a 20?” Thinking this was a joke, I laughed, “No.” He, then, went to the gas station down the street to break the 20 while I dead-bolted my door to teach that little shit a lesson. JK. He came back and I took the $10 from him. I would have taken 5. Joke’s on him.

I put an old guitar on Craigslist for $50 because at the time I had 4 guitars. Also, I put a television with a VCR player for $10 on Craigslist. I had an interested buyer with each product, and they both wanted to meet me after work. When I got home after work, the guy that was interested in my guitar was waiting outside my door. He turned out to be a nice fellow so I let him talk me down $5 off the guitar. As we’re playing guitar, I hear a knock at the door. Enter the guy who was interested in my television. Now, I’m about a wife beater and a Garth Brooks song away from establishing a flea market. The guy comes in, looks at the television and says, “Let’s see if it works.” He plugs in the television and pulls out a Rugrats movie from his back pocket. Pops in the VHS and says, “Would you look at that. It works! Could I talk you down?” I replied, “I’m pretty firm at $10.” He shrugged his shoulders, “I thought I’d try.” I could see my other buyer was getting annoyed that I wasn’t playing guitar with him anymore, so I saw the Rugrats man to the door. John Denver and I played guitar for about an hour in my living room. As he left, he turned to me and asked, “Do you know Jesus Christ as your personal savior?” Stunned by his boldness, I hesitated, which is something you do not want to do in Lynchburg, Virginia. “Yeah I know him.” He must not have bought my answer because he invited me to church that Sunday.

At our old place, we had a vacuum called the cat piss vacuum. Basically, our neighbor gave us this vacuum that smelled like cat piss, but of course, I did not put that in my Craigslist ad.  The lady that was interested in the vacuum met me at my place, and at first glance, I already didn’t like the lady. She came walking towards me with hungry eyes and no smile, which made my smile feel stupid so I wiped it away. I said, “Hello.” She said, “Well let’s see it.” Slight hesitation on my end, “Ok.” I went and got the vacuum and brought it out to her. She said, “Alright well let’s see if it works.” “Oh boy,” I thought. She plugged in the vacuum and started vacuuming my living room, as I was praying to the Lord on High that it would just be me smelling this terrible odor. She stops vacuuming, and started to sniff around, “Do you have a dog?” she asked. Timidly, I answer, “No.” She said, “This vacuum needs to be cleaned out. Clean it out for me.” I took the vacuum outside to clean it out as she followed. As I was on all fours cleaning out this vacuum, I looked back to see her hovered over me with this crazy look in her eye. I, again, threw up another prayer to the Lord on high since we were about one R. Kelly song away from getting weird. See guitar guy, I do know Jesus. Anyways, the vacuum was as good as new. The lady, then, informed me that she only had a 20 even though we agreed on $25. I would have been fine with $20 if my right arm didn’t smell like a cat litter. Nonetheless, I took the money…and a shower…by myself…thankfully.