Ke$ha Goes to Rehab

“I shouldn’t be here,” Ke$ha tells herself before she enters the gymnasium doors. As she started to turn around to head back to her car, the door opened, “Ke$ha?” Mr. Murray excitingly asks. With her back turned to Mr. Murray, she tilted her head towards the ceiling, looked towards the florescent light and gave an embarrassing sigh. She puts on a fake smile and says, “That’s me” and heads into the gymnasium.

Ke$ha sits in the first open seat she sees in the circle of metal fold up chairs. “Welcome to drug rehab,” Mr. Murray says full of excitement mainly because a Hollywood star is attending his course. “I would like to introduce a new member to our group tonight. Everybody welcome Ke$ha.” The group wasn’t thrilled about having a person with her stature. I mean, it’s bad enough having normal people judge you, but now having a person with such fame, the judgment will be unbearable because after all famous people don’t struggle, and if they do, they’re so graceful about it.

There are 12 people that have been meeting with Mr. Murray for as long as 8 years every Tuesday night. Among the group of 12, there have been 3 members that have been with the group for its entire duration: Gary, Lucy, and Michael. When they heard Ke$ha was joining their rehab group, all 3 of them threatened to stop attending the group until they realized that, legally, they couldn’t do that.

Mr. Murray usually starts off with a prayer addressing the Jewish God, Jesus Christ, and Allah, so that he can cover all his bases, but this time was different. See, Mr. Murray did his research on Ke$ha and found out that she was a flaming Satanist.

Mr. Murray quiets down the room, “Let us pray.” Everyone in the room bows their head and closes their eyes. “Dear Jewish God, Jesus Christ, Allah, and Lucifer…” Gary lifts his head, opens his eyes, and whispers in complete confusion, “The hell?” Mr. Murray continued his prayer as it was just another prayer. The people were not pleased with Mr. Murray. I mean, Lucifer!? He’s the reason why they’re in this hellhole! Ke$ha’s presence was becoming more and more distasteful.

Michael: Soooo what was all that Lucifer talk about boss?

Mr. Murray: Well I thought I should include him in the prayer, just in case anybody worships him (winking at Ke$ha).

Ke$ha: Wait me? Where did you get this information?

Mr. Murray: (quietly) Wikipedia

Ke$ha: (annoyed) Well, I’m not a Satanist.

Gary: (angry) Then what are you?

Ke$ha: A Buddhist.

(deep sigh from everyone in the room)

Gary: The fat guy? You’re meaning to tell me that the fat guy died on the cross for our sins?

Ke$ha: Not every religion believes that their God died on the cross for our sins.

Gary: Well, you just know everything.

Whatever Ke$ha had to say, the group didn’t want to hear it. They believed that Ke$ha was here to destroy the chemistry they’ve built for years now, but Mr. Murray thought that if they all shared their struggles, maybe they’ll see how alike they are.

“Alright everybody, let’s go around the room and explain what brought us here,” Mr. Murray suggested. Fear struck Ke$ha like never before. She was not ready for this. She was afraid people wouldn’t get her drug addiction. She performed at umpteen concerts in front of thousands of people, but she never experienced anxiety quite like this.

Mr. Murray: Let’s start with you Gary.

Gary: (annoyed) Blow

Mr. Murray: You’re not even going to tell us your name?

Gary: Fine. My name is Gary, even though all but one of you already knew that, and I was addicted to blow (not even giving the group a chance to say, “Hi Gary”)

Mr. Murray: Please refrain from using the street name. It sounds like you’re still using.

Gary: Cocaine! I used to snort cocaine in ma’bloodstream. There.

Mr. Murray: Oook. Lucy…

Lucy: Hi I’m Lucy

Group: Hiii Lucy

Lucy: Yeah and I used heroine, crack, crystal meth, you name it, I did it.

Mr. Murray: Wow. Well, Ke$ha…

Ke$ha: Hi I’m Ke$ha

Group: (under their breath) Hiii Ke$ha

(about 12.5 seconds of silence)

Mr. Murray: Ke$ha, no need to be scared. Just let it all out. What brought you here?

(about 7.3 seconds of silence)

Ke$ha: Love

(yet again another deep sigh fills the room)

Gary: (fuming) Ohhh I get it!

Michael: Love is your drug huh?

Lucy: Is this some kind of joke to you?

Ke$ha: (emotional)

(room is silent)

Ke$ha: I long for love like you long for cocaine Gary or like you long for heroine, meth, or whatever the hell you do Lucy.

Lucy: I do ‘em all.

Ke$ha: Every time a boyfriend, parent, friend, or whoever gives me a taste of love, I constantly want more. When I feel loved, my heart races, I feel invincible. I feel as though I can conquer what I’ve set out to conquer. But when it’s taken from me, I’m depressed, lonely, and scared. Look, I may have fame and fortune, but, at the end of the day, I would rather have love than live.

(silence)

Ke$ha gained the respect of her peers that day. Lucy even bought her CD at Target, and Gary, well, Gary downloaded her music on a highly illegal website. Ke$ha went home feeling relieved. She continued to attend the group for 6 years. With time, she realized that love wasn’t the problem; it was the people in her life. The group she met with every Tuesday night saw Ke$ha for who she is and continued to have her back. This group showed her what love really is. Once Ke$ha figured out that love is not a drug but a beautiful thing, she stopped attending and went on to being a successful Pop star. On June 14^th, 2021, Ke$ha did, ironically, overdose on LSD. She was only 34.