Ladder 49

If you're here because of my social media posts, and you're expecting to read about a gay experience, you might want to look somewhere else for that. I mean, don't do that. Read my blog. For the love of God, read my blog.

So, here’s the thing. I was going to write 5 blogs for each of the 5 states I saw, but after reflecting on my time in Arizona, Utah, and Idaho, I realized how uneventful my time was. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy it because I did, but I don’t think you would enjoy it. So here’s a brief synopsis of my time there.

In Arizona, I was sick pretty much the whole time, so I didn’t really get to see Phoenix at all. However, I did get to drive up to the Grand Canyon, which is incredible. Yeah, some people say it’s just a big hole, but The Great Wall is just a long wall and the pyramids are just some 3 dimensional triangles made of stone. It doesn’t mean that it’s not incredible. 

In Utah, I went to Zion National Park and Salt Lake City. Zion National Park is mind-blowing. Out of the 5 national parks that I’ve been to, I would say that Zion and Yosemite are neck and neck for my favorite. Zion is full of mountains made of desert stone and you can see some wildlife there. When I was done at Zion, I drove to Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City is really cool, really friendly, and really Mormon.

I drove up to Idaho for a half-day trip to see the Shoshone Waterfalls. They’re neat.

In Colorado, I finally met up with one of my friends, Trav. If you’ve been reading my blogs, I’ve mentioned him in a couple before. But finally, I had friends. I will say, it’s really not so bad to travel by yourself, but it is much better to be with people, for obvious reasons. However, I do recommend going somewhere by yourself. It’s nice and necessary to have solitude. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, but just do something by yourself.

Anyways, I met up with Trav, then we met up with his lifelong friends…which were CHICKS. Yeah sure, one of the chicks was married and the other had a serious boyfriend, making both of them about as unavailable as possible, but that’s not the point. They were chicks and we looked cool when we went places. 

One night, we went to a bar/saloon/place where you line danced in Colorado Springs called Cowboys. This was my first line dancing experience. I thought that it would be like a club just with a cowboy vibe. Like there would be more songs with Alan Jackson, but you still go where the music takes you. Oh how wrong I was. A song would come on, a crew of about 15 or 20 would form, and an organized dance would take place. I didn’t hate it; I just felt left out. At least give me a day or 2, so I can join. My advice: either practice for about a week before you go line dancing or just drink a lot before to give yourself the false perception that you know how to line dance.

We did go skiing one day at Keystone Resort. To be completely honest, I’m not much into extreme sports, and you probably know that because I called extreme sports, extreme sports. I mean I know the basic terms, “shredding the gnar,” “yard sale,” “bruuuuuhhhhh,” etc. I was pretty nervous, since I hadn’t skied in a couple of years. Even at that, I’ve only skied a couple of times before going to one of the best ski resorts in the United States. Since we went on a Tuesday, I was hoping there wouldn’t be any kids there because nothing is more humiliating than when you “yard sale” and a little 7 year old girl passes you with a smile on her face. To my dismay, there were quite a bit of kids there. All of the kids that passed me on the slopes, I had to kindly remind them that it’s not a race.

From Keystone, Trav and I went to Fort Collins to meet up with one of my friends from high school. We used an Airbnb up there; one that I will never forget. Just to give you some background, Trav had been obsessing over fireplaces while we were there. Wherever we went, he always asked if there was going to be a fireplace. It was strange, but we found that pyromaniac a fireplace pretty much every night that we were in Colorado to keep him satisfied. When I booked the room in Fort Collins, I got a text from the owner, Dave, right away that said, “Excited to have you guys here. I’ll get the fire started.” I immediately started to pray that this wasn’t some sort of metaphor; that there was an actual fireplace. Once we got there he showed us to our room, which was like a guest house in this guy’s backyard. He opened the door to our room, and thank Jesus, there was a fireplace right next to our bed, and not only that. there was a fire going. My mind was at ease. Trav, on the other hand, was in heaven. 

Dave was trying to figure out Trav and I. We WERE just 2 guys traveling Colorado. I think his way of trying to figure us out was by saying things like, “So here’s your bed, but we, also, have an air mattress under the bed you guys could use…” There was a brief silence as he awaited our response. We were clueless as to what he was trying to do, so we both said, “Nah man, the bed will be just fine.” We probably just solidified every suspicion that he had.

Dave explained to us, and by us I mean Trav, how to get the fire going again once it burnt out. I was actually showering while all of this happened. So, we went to dinner, and when we got back, the fire was out, just as expected. Trav, immediately, put logs in the fireplace and tried to start it up again. I told Trav that he needs lighter fluid or newspapers, or something else to get the fire started. We saw that there was an egg carton there, and each of the 12 slots were soaked in lighter fluid. One of them had already been used to get the initial fire started. Just ONE of them. Trav threw in all of the logs in the basket and one slot of lighter fluid in the fireplace. He became impatient, and threw in 3 more. He was determined to get this fire going, as I was determined to sleep. I woke up about 2 hours into my sleep, drenched in sweat, to a blazing fire going out of control. I looked over at the fireplace and saw Trav, with this terrified look on his face trying to tame the fire, say to me, “I’m not going out like this man.” Meanwhile, I’m assuming Dave was looking creepily through the peep hole in our room saying, “Oh my God what is he going to do next?” I had gone to bed in a flannel and sweatpants and woke up in just my boxers. I do recommend this place, however, I don’t recommend having Travis Shirkman being your fireman.

P.S. I’ve had people ask me about doing more short fictional stories. And no, not just my parents. My sister has been begging me to write more. Ugh. But anyways, I’m going to work on those more and send those out soon :)

New Mehico

As most of you know, I have had quite a bit of free time on my hands. I say, “most of you” because, sadly, most of you that read this either gave birth to me or just happen to be there whenever I need you to be. This hasn’t gone viral…yet. But my mom says, any day now I will be writing for the New York Times. So yeah. Anyways, with all of this free time, I wanted to get out and travel. With me having an absurd amount of airline points and gas being so cheap, I thought it would be a good idea to travel the west. To clear up any confusion, I don’t consider the west coast a part of the west. The west consists of Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, and Utah. Since I had already been to Montana and Wyoming (See MANtana blog post), I thought I would fly out, rent a car, and drive to the remaining 5 states. I stayed with friends’ families and Airbnb. If you haven’t used Airbnb, I highly suggest doing so. Airbnb is to hotels as Uber is to taxis. I had multiple Airbnb coupons, so I used those while I was out there. I’m going to break this trip into 5 different blogs for each of the 5 states I visited. Here we go.

Albuquerque, New Mexico was my first stop. Before I go on, let me include that I flew into Denver and drove straight from there to Albuquerque. Let me also include that I was at, what I thought to be, the peak of my sickness that was bestowed upon me. After 7 hours of flight time, I was praying that this drive would pass by as soon as possible. I guess my specific prayer was for a cinder block to be dropped on my right foot. I was weaving in and out of traffic like woah. Btw, if you just watched that whole clip, we need to be better friends than what we are. Anyways, truth be told, the only traffic in my way was the tumbleweeds that were flying in front of my car, but that’s not the point. I had been driving for about 4 hours with no signs of humanity until I see the red and blue lights in my rear view mirror. I guess I was so excited about the speed limit being 75 that I thought there is no way I could possibly get a speeding ticket. Well, I proved myself, and others, wrong, which is one of my best qualities. However, I was pretty upset. Not necessarily at the speeding ticket, but at the fact that I believe the cop was there to stop me from setting some sort of record. I’m actually thankful the cop just gave me a speeding ticket. In a weird way, I feel indebted to the officer, which reminds me, I still need to pay that damn speeding ticket. 

I finally made it to my Airbnb destination in Albuquerque. I stayed at a place that rented out the a room in their house, not the entire home. The couple’s names that I stayed with were Tom and Norma. They’re retired entrepreneurs, and by the looks of their place, successful ones at that. I suggest staying with Tom and Norma if you want to make your way down to Albuquerque. Norma was a chef back in the day and Tom brews his own beer now. Here was the first conversation I had with Tom when I first stepped foot out of my car:

Tom: (Hand-shake offer) Tom

Me: (Accept offer) Josh.

Tom: How long have you been driving?

Me: 6 hours. All the way from Denver.

Tom: Well you like beer?

I had killed 3 beers before I saw the room I was staying in. Tom was very generous. During the third beer, I feared that Tom was almost too generous. I wasn’t looking to get weird with Tom and Norma, but one more of Tom’s brews could have got me there. I declined his offer to the fourth beer, however I needed food stat. I ordered a pizza, actually scratch that; Tom ordered a pizza for me. He asked me what I wanted and I said, “A small meat lovers pizza.” He said, “No let’s get a medium, I’ll have a piece.” I agreed, assuming he was going to pay for this pizza. The pizza guy shows up, and no signs of Tom. I paid for the pizza, then Tom finally showed up, as did Norma. Tom had TWO pieces and Norma had one. You might have thought that I was upset, but no, I do this ALL OF THE TIME. For years, my reply to “Hey you want to get a pizza?” has been “Nah but I’ll definitely take a slice if you get one.” Tom, you son of a gun. You beat me at my own game.

Anyways, there’s not much to do in New Mexico. For all of you Breaking Bad lovers, I did see Walt’s house in Albuquerque, which you can see on my Instagram. If you check out the picture and you’re not following me, please give me a follow. I’m dying to get to 200. Anyways, I saw the owner come out of the house. I asked her if I could throw my leftover pizza on her roof (only Breaking Bad fans will get this), but she said, “No.” Some people man. After being in New Mexico for about 12 hours, I get why someone made a show about a large community of people abusing meth. I know I just made New Mexico sound like a drag to visit, but it’s really not. If you’re looking for touristy things to do, then no, stay away from New Mexico. Actually, if that’s what you’re looking for, you might as well stay away from the west, except for Colorado. That’s what the west is about, and it is possibly my favorite feature America has.

Ke$ha Goes to Rehab

“I shouldn’t be here,” Ke$ha tells herself before she enters the gymnasium doors. As she started to turn around to head back to her car, the door opened, “Ke$ha?” Mr. Murray excitingly asks. With her back turned to Mr. Murray, she tilted her head towards the ceiling, looked towards the florescent light and gave an embarrassing sigh. She puts on a fake smile and says, “That’s me” and heads into the gymnasium.

Ke$ha sits in the first open seat she sees in the circle of metal fold up chairs. “Welcome to drug rehab,” Mr. Murray says full of excitement mainly because a Hollywood star is attending his course. “I would like to introduce a new member to our group tonight. Everybody welcome Ke$ha.” The group wasn’t thrilled about having a person with her stature. I mean, it’s bad enough having normal people judge you, but now having a person with such fame, the judgment will be unbearable because after all famous people don’t struggle, and if they do, they’re so graceful about it.

There are 12 people that have been meeting with Mr. Murray for as long as 8 years every Tuesday night. Among the group of 12, there have been 3 members that have been with the group for its entire duration: Gary, Lucy, and Michael. When they heard Ke$ha was joining their rehab group, all 3 of them threatened to stop attending the group until they realized that, legally, they couldn’t do that.

Mr. Murray usually starts off with a prayer addressing the Jewish God, Jesus Christ, and Allah, so that he can cover all his bases, but this time was different. See, Mr. Murray did his research on Ke$ha and found out that she was a flaming Satanist.

Mr. Murray quiets down the room, “Let us pray.” Everyone in the room bows their head and closes their eyes. “Dear Jewish God, Jesus Christ, Allah, and Lucifer…” Gary lifts his head, opens his eyes, and whispers in complete confusion, “The hell?” Mr. Murray continued his prayer as it was just another prayer. The people were not pleased with Mr. Murray. I mean, Lucifer!? He’s the reason why they’re in this hellhole! Ke$ha’s presence was becoming more and more distasteful.

Michael: Soooo what was all that Lucifer talk about boss?

Mr. Murray: Well I thought I should include him in the prayer, just in case anybody worships him (winking at Ke$ha).

Ke$ha: Wait me? Where did you get this information?

Mr. Murray: (quietly) Wikipedia

Ke$ha: (annoyed) Well, I’m not a Satanist.

Gary: (angry) Then what are you?

Ke$ha: A Buddhist.

(deep sigh from everyone in the room)

Gary: The fat guy? You’re meaning to tell me that the fat guy died on the cross for our sins?

Ke$ha: Not every religion believes that their God died on the cross for our sins.

Gary: Well, you just know everything.

Whatever Ke$ha had to say, the group didn’t want to hear it. They believed that Ke$ha was here to destroy the chemistry they’ve built for years now, but Mr. Murray thought that if they all shared their struggles, maybe they’ll see how alike they are.

“Alright everybody, let’s go around the room and explain what brought us here,” Mr. Murray suggested. Fear struck Ke$ha like never before. She was not ready for this. She was afraid people wouldn’t get her drug addiction. She performed at umpteen concerts in front of thousands of people, but she never experienced anxiety quite like this.

Mr. Murray: Let’s start with you Gary.

Gary: (annoyed) Blow

Mr. Murray: You’re not even going to tell us your name?

Gary: Fine. My name is Gary, even though all but one of you already knew that, and I was addicted to blow (not even giving the group a chance to say, “Hi Gary”)

Mr. Murray: Please refrain from using the street name. It sounds like you’re still using.

Gary: Cocaine! I used to snort cocaine in ma’bloodstream. There.

Mr. Murray: Oook. Lucy…

Lucy: Hi I’m Lucy

Group: Hiii Lucy

Lucy: Yeah and I used heroine, crack, crystal meth, you name it, I did it.

Mr. Murray: Wow. Well, Ke$ha…

Ke$ha: Hi I’m Ke$ha

Group: (under their breath) Hiii Ke$ha

(about 12.5 seconds of silence)

Mr. Murray: Ke$ha, no need to be scared. Just let it all out. What brought you here?

(about 7.3 seconds of silence)

Ke$ha: Love

(yet again another deep sigh fills the room)

Gary: (fuming) Ohhh I get it!

Michael: Love is your drug huh?

Lucy: Is this some kind of joke to you?

Ke$ha: (emotional)

(room is silent)

Ke$ha: I long for love like you long for cocaine Gary or like you long for heroine, meth, or whatever the hell you do Lucy.

Lucy: I do ‘em all.

Ke$ha: Every time a boyfriend, parent, friend, or whoever gives me a taste of love, I constantly want more. When I feel loved, my heart races, I feel invincible. I feel as though I can conquer what I’ve set out to conquer. But when it’s taken from me, I’m depressed, lonely, and scared. Look, I may have fame and fortune, but, at the end of the day, I would rather have love than live.

(silence)

Ke$ha gained the respect of her peers that day. Lucy even bought her CD at Target, and Gary, well, Gary downloaded her music on a highly illegal website. Ke$ha went home feeling relieved. She continued to attend the group for 6 years. With time, she realized that love wasn’t the problem; it was the people in her life. The group she met with every Tuesday night saw Ke$ha for who she is and continued to have her back. This group showed her what love really is. Once Ke$ha figured out that love is not a drug but a beautiful thing, she stopped attending and went on to being a successful Pop star. On June 14^th, 2021, Ke$ha did, ironically, overdose on LSD. She was only 34.

Hip Hip Harrah

My dad and I are currently traveling California. We’ve never taken a long trip like this before just us 2. I’ve never really got to travel California, and my dad has family is LA that he hasn’t seen in 20 some years. We flew into San Francisco yesterday. I flew from Charlotte, and my dad flew from Indianapolis. Miraculously, our planes landed at the same time. I flew in a suit yesterday because I’m going to a show in Vegas that prefers you to wear business professional. Let me speak to the men real quick. If you’re looking for a power trip, wear a suit when flying. I had multiple people beg for my forgiveness when running into me, and the kicker is: it wasn’t even their fault, but I played the “it’s cool but don’t let it happen again” card. I had an infant call me “da-ddy.” Presuming this was the child’s first word, I stepped aside from my cool guy act for a moment and cracked a half open smile. I got a scotch on the plane because I had 2 “free drink” coupons I had to use on my flight by the end of the year or they’d expire. Actually, who am I kidding? I did it because I was at the peak of my power trip and that’s what we as certified-jackasses-who-think-because-they-wear-a-suit-they-can-be-a-jackass do. So, my power trip was going fantastic, then my dad and I meet for the first time in the San Francisco airport. My dad saw me and said in that overly-excited dad voice in front of everybody, “Hey! You’re lookin’ sharp!” I was all like, “daaaaad” in my “embarrassed teenager” voice. My cover was blown. Power trip ended.

Straight from the airport we drove to Lake Tahoe, which is where we are currently. It was about a 3 hour drive, but it took us 4 because: 1. We had to stop at In’N’Out Burger and B. We stopped at least 3 times to take pictures of the scenery because it’s incredible. My dad wanted to stay at Harrah, which is a hotel/casino. My dad was just as excited about the hotel room than he was the scenery. Our room has two bathrooms, which is pretty cool. Before I go on, you should know that my dad enjoys the simplest of things. That’s all. With that being said, my dad called me into his bathroom to show me that his toilet seat was one of those that you couldn’t slam shut, but was one that shuts gradually on its own. When I was in Japan, one of my hotel rooms had a toilet that you could press a button and water surges out of the toilet, cleaning out your arse before you wipe. See, I thought it was weird, whereas my dad would have been on his knees in worship.

We got back to our hotel from dinner last night at around 8:30. My goal was to stay up until 10 there time which is 1am my time. My dad asked if I wanted to join him at the blackjack table. I joined him so I could try to beat my jet lag. Sorry, I forgot to explain why I was so tired. I got up at 4am to catch my 6am flight. I traveled 9 hours to San Fran, then got in a car and drove another 4 hours to Lake Tahoe. Anyways, I was at the blackjack table and my dad asked me if I knew how to play. I arrogantly laughed, “Yes I know how to play.” My dad replied, “Ok…” in that “you don’t know what the hell you’re getting into” voice. The first hand I was dealt I wanted to stay, so I told the dealer just that. She said that I had to slide my cards under my chips. The hardest part about blackjack is communicating to the dealer that you want to stay. I was having great difficulty sliding my cards under my chips. My left hand was doing all of the work, so I reached out my right hand to lift the chips up so that I could slide my cards under. As I reached out my right hand, the dealer said, “Nope you can only use one hand, and you can’t touch your chips when you’ve already bet them.” You’ve got to be shitting me I thought. The dealer wouldn’t go onto the next player until I did so. My hands were shaking, and I had worked up some back sweat as all the players were staring at me in amazement, including my own father.  After 20 seconds of me performing, in my mind, a magic trick, I finally got the cards to go under my chips. Success. The dealer ended up getting a 21.

Currently, I’m writing this blog just shy of 5am because: A. I went to bed at around 10:30 last night and still am a little jet lagged and 2. My dad is redefining the phrase “sawing the logs.” Until next time.

Excuse Me?

Before you read this you are required to watch the video above. WARNING: this is real.

This is an actual music video by The Nelons shown in my department meeting of where I work. I started to laugh at the beginning because I honestly thought it was a joke. Nobody else was laughing around me, so I had to suffer through all of the spoof ideas that I had for 4 minutes. Talk about torture. Immediately after my meeting, I went to my friend’s office to show him the video because I knew he would get it, and I desperately needed someone to laugh with me. Just as expected, he laughed just as hard as me, and not only that, but, within seconds, he sent the video department wide.

I must preface what I’m about to say by saying that I am a Christian. We’re going to break this song down like scripture. Calm down conservatives, it’s not going to be that bad…for liberals.

I was racing through the airport to make an early flight;

I wanted to get home to see my children and my wife.

In the first two lines of Lee Greenwood’s I’m Proud to be an American he says, “If tomorrow all the things were gone I'd worked for all my life, And I had to start again with just my children and my wife.” It’s in the same key and same rhythm. Just like that, we got a lawsuit on our hands.

I rushed around the corner – an apple stand was there,

Until I knocked it over. The fruit went everywhere!

If you’ve read my blog, you know that I traveling is a hobby of mine. I have been in airports all over the world, and have yet to see a farmer’s market.

At first I kept on going – I just couldn’t miss that plane –

I looked over my shoulder, not stopping to explain –

What a dick.

A girl was down there on her knees - groping ‘round to find,

You know, I expected this lyric from Lil Wayne, but not from you Nelons!

The apples scattered on the floor – then I saw the girl was blind.

It just got real.

As my plane was leaving, I stopped to lend a hand.

I picked up all the apples, restored the apple stand;

To replace the bruised and broken, in her fingers pressed some bills

As I hugged her narrow shoulders, she reached to hold me still…
And said…

Excuse me, are you Jesus?

Is that why you were so kind?

Excuse me, are you Jesus

To have had me on your mind?

You picked up all the pieces,

The bruised and broken parts;

You put me back in business;

You were Jesus to my heart…

Let’s recap. Guy is walking through the airport. Guy’s clumsiness leads him to knock over apples at the farmer’s market in the airport. Guy was just going to let the workers there clean it up. Guy sees one of the workers cleaning them up. Something tells guy that he should clean up the apples he knocked over. Guy sees that the worker is blind. Guy pays for the apples that he bruised. Guy gets compared to Jesus Christ.

There are many differences between this man and Jesus Christ. For starters, I never imagined Jesus being clumsy. If anything Jesus might have knocked over a single apple, but would have the awareness to kick it with his Achilles tendon over his shoulder right in his hand. The guy is calling himself Jesus for putting out the fire he started. Now if the guy wouldn’t have knocked over the apples, and the blind girl just decided to pick one of the apples from the basket and hurl one right in his piehole, and the man still gave her cash, then I would probably be asking this man to turn my water into wine.

Bridge - Once I was bruised and broken, blind and groping on my way,

When Someone stopped to help me, paid the damage, made me say…

…aaaaayyyyy (drums) And I’m proud to be an A-Mer-I-Can!

A Man and His Flannel

“You know you can leave that in the car,” one of my friends hinted to me as I lusciously tied my flannel around my waist.  “We’re at an amusement park. I know what I’m doing,” I replied. I went to an amusement park with 5 of my “friends.” Why do I quote friends you might ask? Well if they were my friends, they would want me to find true love at an amusement park, which we all know starts with your flannel shirt tied around your waist. Well, the joke was on them because the girls could not resist. As I was walking through the park I saw a woman in her 50’s close her daughter’s eyes, presuming that she was protecting her daughter from this piece of temptation. Ok maybe I lied. Maybe this style left with Shawn Hunter and the gang back in the 90’s, but I did see a father-son duo with the same “shirt tied around the waist” strategy that I had. We kindly nodded at each other giving the message, “Yeah, we know what we’re doing.” The joke really was on my friends because it rained all afternoon. As they were trying to find trees to walk under, I walked at a comfortable pace in wide open spaces.

We rode 5 rides at the park. Scratch that. I rode 4. My friends rode 5. The only one that I didn’t ride was called the Intimidator 305, which was based on the life (and death) of Dale Earnhardt. Basically, it was the fastest ride in the park at 95mph. I’m not about that life. Or death. One of my friends, Perry, blacked out the first time he went on the ride. I say the first time because somehow that inspired all of them to go on the ride a second time. They actually tried to convince me to go on the ride with them the second time, and their sales pitch was telling me the story about Perry blacking out. The whole time they were trying to convince me to go on the ride, I was too distracted at examining Perry for concussion-like symptoms. I did, however, go straight the cameras where you can see the pictures of the people on the roller coaster, and sure enough, 3 of my friends were screaming as Perry laid there limp and his eyes in the back of his head.

Another ride we went on was The Dominator. My cousin, Tyler, questioned the safety in the harness of the ride. I told him that there was someone coming around fastening everyone’s harness, so Tyler relaxed. As the guy got to Tyler, he checked his harness, and moved on. Tyler yelled, “What!? You okay’d that!?” Since we were in the back row, we got the green light and headed out. Tyler was still freaking out at the time. There was a random guy, let’s call him Scottie, sitting next to Tyler. At the very beginning of the ride, there’s a small dip, and then it takes you uphill. The small dip is literally in the first 3 seconds of the ride. Right when we hit the little dip, the guy next to Tyler screamed, “Oh what da hail!” Scottie was screaming the entire ride, while Tyler kept screaming, “Bug in my eye! Bug in my eye!” I laughed hysterically the entire time.

My favorite ride was The Volcano. We, also, rode this one twice. The first time, we waited in line for 45 minutes. To make the time pass by, I spent a lot of the time convincing Trav that there was a bee next to his ear. I mean at first there was, but watching him freak out over and over was too good. The second time we went, we were waiting in a slightly shorter line inside this cave that leads to the Volcano ride. All of a sudden, a stench of someone’s butthole lingered in the cave and everyone had that face like they were sucking on a lemon warhead. It WAS right after lunch, we DID just have Panda Express, and I STILL had butterflies before going on this ride…so yeah, I did it. “Deny til you die,” I repeated to myself over and over after I saw parents holding their children closer in fear that they were being gassed. Why did I not only deny it but blame it on Trav? You would too if you had to live up to the sexy flannel-tied-around-the-waist reputation.

P.S. I didn't mention Katie Tate, wife of Perry. She also rocked the shirt-around-the-waist style. "You do you," she told me. I did me, Katie. We did we. #wisdom

AusTEN

I went to Austin, Texas this past weekend with my roommate, Jordan, mainly to see what all the hype was about this city. Austin doesn’t fit the stereotype of the rest of Texas. It’s more “Is this chicken organic?” and less “Duh hail?” Here’s an example. My roommate and I traveled to Austin. When 2 dudes travel together, people start to question things, so we had our work cut out for us. We were talking to a guy from Austin who informed us that it was Pride weekend. Without saying a word, I went back into my room and changed out of my borderline neonish, tie dyeish tank top into a solid grey t-shirt. It’s not that I’m insecure about my sexuality, but I also don’t want to be missing out on the chance at my future wife because they think that Richard Simmons is about to raid the streets of Austin.

The people there are very friendly except for this one guy. He had an emotionless face with sunglasses and an Indiana University hat on. As I was passing him on the sidewalk, I yelled, “Go Hoosiers!” Not a word from him. He walked past me at the same slow pace with the same blank face.

I ate myself into a coma from the moment I got off the plane because that’s what you do in Austin. For one of my breakfast meals, I had a maple glazed donut with 6 strips of bacon smothering the top. As good as this donut was, it made me want to take a shower ASAP. The trip was worth it for the food alone.

Also, Austin’s 6^th street is the longest stretch of bars in America, which we took full advantage of. I don’t know many bars we went to, but there was only one bar that we went to multiple nights: Pete’s Piano Bar. It’s a dueling piano bar that takes requests from the audience. The songs they performed ranged from Sweet Caroline to The Real Slim Shady. The second night we were there, this older guy comes in with an attractive younger lady with a giant rock on her ring finger. So, the guy was standing next to me at the bar, and I asked, “What do you do for a living?” He said, “I’m retired.” I replied, “Ahh. What did you USED to do?” He told me what he used to do, but it has slipped my memory. Then, I followed up with the question, “How did you meet your wife?” With a confused look on his face, he says, “That’s an odd sequence of questions.” Oh boy, I thought as I slowly distanced myself from him. About 15 minutes later, he approaches me, “Are you saying that I outkicked my coverage?” In which I immediately replied, “Isn’t that everyone’s goal!?” For about 3 seconds he had the same look on his face as the blank faced Hoosier guy, then busted into laughter, bought my friend and I a beer, then a jello shot that came in a giant syringe. I left him my blog info that night. So, rich guy if you’re reading this, stop and go be with your beautiful wife. Anyways, after that night we stopped to get some pizza on 6^th street. For some odd reason, we went into a place that had screamo music blaring in the background. As I was ordering, the guy, turned to his right and yelled, “Hey quiet down, I’m trying to do business out here!” I looked around, but saw/heard no one. Hesitantly, I finished my order. As he turned around to get my slices of pizza, “All hail satan” was imprinted on the back of his shirt. He gave me my food as I asked God to cast the demons out of each pepperoni on my pizza.

On Sunday afternoon, we went to this bar called “The Flying Pig” on 6^th street to watch some football. Not very many people were at the bar. There was live music playing because it’s Austin; that’s what you do. Jordan left his spot at the bar, I was alone at the end of the bar watching the game, and a guy puts his backpack down in Jordan’s chair, and since the music was loud, he yells into my ear, “I got 10 pounds of weed in this backpack! Watch it for me!” as he went to the restroom. After I saw him disappear into the restroom, I picked up his backpack, and sure enough, it was about 10 pounds. So, I watched the game, and this gentleman’s weed, until he got out of the restroom.

We used the apps, Lyft and Uber to get around the city. The way each of these apps work is you request a ride, a driver comes and picks you up, then you pay them through the app. This was the most interesting part of the trip because this is where I met some of the most interesting people on this trip. Meet some of my drivers:

Adolpho picked us up from the airport. I asked him how long he’s been working for Lyft. Adolpho said, “I only work for Lyft when it rains because I‘m a professional tennis player.” I looked out the window and there were clear blue skies. “I’m sure you are Adolpho,” I thought, but what really came out of my mouth was, “Wow! Good for you!” About halfway into the trip, Adolpho tries to get a conversation going, “You know, Lyft is illegal in Austin.” “Is it?” I asked intrigued. He replied, “Yeah but you should be fine.”

Roman is about as monotone as you can get and very gothic. It was our first day in the city so I asked Roman, “What should we do while we’re here for the weekend?” I stumped Roman. You could tell that he doesn’t get out much based on the amount of time he took to answer this question. After minutes of deep thought a light clicked in Roman’s head, “Actually, I’ve really been into disc golf. You could do that.” “Yeah, that’s an idea,” I said unconvincingly.

Jalisa was very nice but also very loud. Since it was early in the morning after a long Friday night, I found her personality troubling even though it probably would have been lovely any other morning. She told me that her car’s name was Kiki. I asked her why and she told me, “You know this car just reminds me of a girl that gets from place to place real quick. I got a speeding ticket a couple of weeks ago, but I had no idea that I was going 85.” She, then, said that her previous car, “White Boy,” died due to an accident she had. Enter my doubts on Lyft’s background check. Despite her terrible driving record, she got us to where we needed to go: Gourdough’s.

Colin took us to the airport. He used to be a professional snowboarder. He fit the snowboarding stereotype: small, outgoing, in great shape, etc. “What brought you here?” Jordan asked. “Well, my ex-wife dragged me here so that she could be closer to her boyfriend that she was cheating on me with for 10 years.” “Oh dear…” I said softly underneath my breath. Colin got a call on his phone that he has linked to his Bluetooth stereo. He answers his phone, “What’s up fag?” The guy starts laughing. Then, we listened to them talk about their co-ed indoor soccer league and how they were going to “destroy some chicks tonight” for the rest of the car ride.

Terry. Oh Terry. I truly saved the best for last. Let me preface this by saying sorry for the language. It’s Terry, not me. I requested an Uber after a long Saturday night on 6^th street. We hopped in the car as he was talking to his boo over the Bluetooth stereo, once again. “Goodnight daddy,” she echoes throughout the car. He replies, “Love you mommy,” as I stared out the window trying not to eavesdrop. He was really quiet for the first half of the ride, then he asked us where we were from. When we told him that we were from Virginia, here is how the conversation went:

Daddy: Oh so you hang out with Bigfoot over there?

(Laughter)

 Daddy: Nah I know that stuff’s not true. Shiii. But aliens, now I belie dat. That shi’s trippy. Got no assholes. I know they’re for real.

Me: (Trying not to laugh) How are you so certain?

Daddy: I saw this thing on the TV. The History channel. They got these bigass heads, bigass bodies, no assholes. I even woke up my old lady because I didn’t want to be the only one experiencing this.

Me: (Whole shaking due to silent laughter because of this conversation and the fact that he thinks that he’s the only one watching a show on the History channel)

Daddy: Ya’ll think I’m crazy probably…

Jordan: Nah I can see that (silent laughter)

Daddy: Yeah man. Ask your grandparents about the UFO in 1941

Me: You mean Pearl Harbor?

Daddy: No man the UFO! They’ll know what I’m talking about.

Me: Will do.

So, Mammaw and Pappaw, let me first apologize for the language, but do you remember the UFO of 1941?