Gotta Catch Em All

It’s 4:17am. Why am I not asleep you might ask? I am still a little jet lagged, but that’s not the reason. See, I haven’t had a good history with smoke detectors. I just don’t get them. How does it chirp even though I disconnect it from the wall and take out the battery? This mystery ranks up there with Who Framed Roger Rabbit, women, and how Rebecca Black got the go-ahead to make a sequel to her Friday music video with Saturday. Nonetheless, I get to write this blog, even though I was just going to wait until lunch break to do so.

As I alluded to in my last post, Japan was awesome. Now, one of my biggest pet peeves is when Americans travel to see another culture, then turn around and bash their own. I promise not to do that. The American culture has flaws, sure, but so does every culture. Side note: this pet peeve is up there with a chirping smoke detector, which, if you’re wondering, is still a chirpin’. Anyways, we bought the Japan Rail pass so that we could take the bullet train all over Japan. We started in Hiroshima, went up to Kyoto and Osaka, and finished in Tokyo. If you’re looking to travel Japan, the Japan Rail pass is the way to go.

Hiroshima, Osaka, and Kyoto were great. That’s where all the history is, but Tokyo is weird, wild, and awesome. I was going to say “wonderful” but then I would be using the description as West Virginia’s tagline, and in now way, shape, or form is Tokyo anything like West Virginia. Nothing against West Virginia. Actually side story time. One time, I was driving through West Virginia, and I was very frustrated because the mountains were doing a number on my engine. I stopped to get something to eat at the Tamarack, a glorified rest stop, and a little, chubby boy with a beautiful mullet went running in front of his dad and the first thing I hear when I stepped out of my car was the father shouting, “Cleetus! Get back here!” Back to Tokyo.

A lot of people have asked me what my favorite part was. The food was great. I, supposedly, had the best sushi in Japan, therefore the world. I waited 3 hours and 52 minutes for a seat. Even though the food was spectacular, the people were my favorite part. I love Japan’s culture. Tokyo is like New York City filled with a bunch of Jeff Wests. If you don’t know Jeff West, then that’s a crying shame. Just to give you an example, there was a time we were looking for the Tokyo Tower. I found a guy who was with his wife and son. They were walking toward us, so I asked him how to get to the Tokyo Tower. He turns around and shows us how to get there at world record walking speed. At first, I thought he was just going to point us in the right direction, but after 10 minutes of him walking where he was pointing, I realized that this man was walking us to the Tokyo Tower. At the 15 minute mark, I started to ask myself, “Have I ever met a bro before?” At the 17 minute mark, I looked back, and his wife was nowhere to be found, and he seemed okay with that. The 20 minute mark rolls around, and seeing that we were obviously gassed and sweating profusely, he puts money into a vending machine. I thought he was getting himself or his son a drink, but he looked at me and pointed to the machine and wanted me to get a drink. It was confirmed. I have never met a bro before this guy. At the 25 minute mark, the guy got us where we needed to be. To recap: The man walked us at Usain Bolt-like speed for 25 minutes to Tokyo Tower leaving his wife in the dust, along the way bought Joe and I a water. All of this he did with a smile on his face. I love you Japan.

We met up with my friend who lives in Japan. He took us to a spa after our long day of traveling. This was a fully nude spa. I had nothing to be scared of because Asian people are short if you’re catchin’ my drift. All everyone had was just an orange wash cloth. It didn’t take me as long to get used to it because I’ve watched multiple episodes of Naked and Afraid. At one point in the spa, I had my feet in warm water and I was leaned back against the wall with my eyes closed. I opened my eyes and a guy walked past and sized me up, since he did not speak English I gave him look that said “You mad bro?” Guy walked away, and hung his head in defeat.

We went to the Tokyo Robot Show. The reason why I went is because Anthony Bourdain described it as one of the coolest things he’s seen. Honestly, there is no place like it. I have to agree with Mr. Bourdain. The show is filled with robots and humans. The place holds about 100 people, and they have 4 shows a day. There’s 3 rows on each side of the show, and somehow, we got placed front and center. They did an introduction for about 10 girls who were in the show. One of the girls did a Michael Jackson spin move, kissed her index finger, and gently wiped it on my nose. The place went nuts. Hell, I went nuts, high-fiving all of the guys around me. I looked to my left and an 8 year old boy stared at me with jealousy. Since he, also, didn’t speak English, I gave him a look that said, “I win. You lose.”

The next night we were looking to karaoke, but all the karaoke places had private rooms. Joe and I both agreed that we didn’t want to karaoke to each other in a private room. So, everyone told us to go to this club called Womb. As far as the name is concerned, I had/have all the same questions you have right now. We got there at the very beginning, which was at 11pm. My friend, Joe, started the dance floor. The dude went hard. I have never seen a man sweat like he was sweating. In fact, a girl from Australia asked us if we had any ecstasy. Since this girl was very attractive, I started to regret leaving my ecstasy in my hotel room. This “jk” goes out to Cindy Garrity. Mom, I have never seen/touched ecstasy. Anyways, when I told her that we don’t have any ecstasy, she replied back with “You’re American right?” She must have watched too much Bad Boys 2. Joe and I would just go up to all of the Japanese and yell, “Japan!” in which they would all yell back, “Japan!” I yelled “Japan!” to this guy who probably weighed 140 pounds. He proceeded to pick me up and wave me up and down while I fist pumped my heart out. He, then, went to my friend Joe, who used to play offensive line in high school, attempted to wave him up and down, only this time the guy fell straight on his back. I could not stop laughing. Womb was a success.

I definitely plan on going back to Japan. It’s a great place filled with great people and great food, which is exactly what I’m looking for.

Fine China...Well Sorta

This past week my buddy Joe and I went to China and Japan. Since it was quite the trip, I’m going to break it down in separate posts. Our first stop was China. The time difference between China and US east coast is 12 hours which is the worst possible time difference for traveling, so I had to beat it by staying awake for the entire 12 hour flight. This consisted of me drinking an absurd amount of coffee, watching any ridiculous action packed movie (i.e. Need for Speed, 2 Guns, etc.), and listening to Yeah 3x by C-Breezy. It did the trick. I stayed up for the whole 12 hour trip. Once we got off the plane, cab drivers were awaiting our arrival and to, apparently, screw us over in our most exhausting moment. See I forgot what the conversion rate was, so they got us pretty good. Staying awake the entire flight was now sounding like a pretty terrible idea.

Now, I never have bought into the Asian driver stereotype, but once that cab driver pulled out of the airport, I became a full believer, confessed my sins to the almighty God, and was texting all my loved ones no matter what the international charges were. I do need to make one thing clear about this stereotype. Asian drivers aren’t bad. It’s the Chinese drivers. Sure, China makes up a giant portion of Asia, but the Japanese drivers were great. I will never bash you Japan. More on that later. Anyways, I have never had more near death experiences in my 24 years of life than I did in that 25 minute cab ride. Somehow, someway, we got to where we needed to be: on the curb of our hotel parking lot.

We were only in China for one full day because we just wanted to see the Great Wall so we stayed in Beijing. We bought a tour to go up the Great Wall. It’s about an hour and a half drive. I thought to myself, “Maybe since we bought a tour, the driver will be more professional.” Wrong again. I think you get the picture in how bad the driving actually is.

By some miracle, we got to the Great Wall. One of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. We took a cable car up to the Mutianyu section of the Great Wall. I, honestly, felt safer in this cable car ride, than I did in any form of ground transportation. Ok fine, I’ll stop talking about that. Anyways, if you’re wanting to go to the Great Wall, I highly suggest going to the Mutianyu section of the Great Wall because it isn’t as touristy as the other sections. Also, bring your hiking boots because it is quite the trek.

The tour came with a massage at the end, which was great since my dogs were barkin’. The tour only consisted of Joe, an Australian couple, and myself. So, they put all 4 of us in a dim-lighted room with 4 recliners. The massage felt great. There’s, also, a stereotype of Asian massages. For the sake of my job, I am unable to go into detail of what that stereotype is, so if you don’t know just ask around. So, the massage feels great, then it gets to the end. She starts to massage my calves which feels wonderful, then up to my knees which felt quite nice. Then, she gets up to my thigh, really up my thigh, and I was all like. I had to squirm around a tad to send the message that my calves still feel pretty tense. Crisis averted.

After the massage, I went to my masseuse, gave her a bow, and walked off. My tour guide, Michelle, pointed to my masseuse and said, “Josh did you like your massage?” Oblivious to what was going on, I walked back over to my masseuse and gave a second bow. Finally, my tour guide told me that I need to tip her, so I did. As we’re heading to our cab, our tour guide stopped us and informed us, “Just to let you know this tour did not include a tip.” I was already in the cab and had to get out to give this lady 20 Chinese Yuan. They’re definitely not scared to ask for some money, and that’s how the rich stay richer.

To be honest, I wasn't a fan of Beijing. Don't get me wrong, The Great Wall was unbelievable, but the city of Beijing is pretty terrible. If you want to go to China, go to the Great Wall and maybe visit Shanghai. I've heard that place is awesome. In the end, we got to see the Great Wall, and that's exactly what we came there for. Then, we were off to Japan.