Hip Hip Harrah

My dad and I are currently traveling California. We’ve never taken a long trip like this before just us 2. I’ve never really got to travel California, and my dad has family is LA that he hasn’t seen in 20 some years. We flew into San Francisco yesterday. I flew from Charlotte, and my dad flew from Indianapolis. Miraculously, our planes landed at the same time. I flew in a suit yesterday because I’m going to a show in Vegas that prefers you to wear business professional. Let me speak to the men real quick. If you’re looking for a power trip, wear a suit when flying. I had multiple people beg for my forgiveness when running into me, and the kicker is: it wasn’t even their fault, but I played the “it’s cool but don’t let it happen again” card. I had an infant call me “da-ddy.” Presuming this was the child’s first word, I stepped aside from my cool guy act for a moment and cracked a half open smile. I got a scotch on the plane because I had 2 “free drink” coupons I had to use on my flight by the end of the year or they’d expire. Actually, who am I kidding? I did it because I was at the peak of my power trip and that’s what we as certified-jackasses-who-think-because-they-wear-a-suit-they-can-be-a-jackass do. So, my power trip was going fantastic, then my dad and I meet for the first time in the San Francisco airport. My dad saw me and said in that overly-excited dad voice in front of everybody, “Hey! You’re lookin’ sharp!” I was all like, “daaaaad” in my “embarrassed teenager” voice. My cover was blown. Power trip ended.

Straight from the airport we drove to Lake Tahoe, which is where we are currently. It was about a 3 hour drive, but it took us 4 because: 1. We had to stop at In’N’Out Burger and B. We stopped at least 3 times to take pictures of the scenery because it’s incredible. My dad wanted to stay at Harrah, which is a hotel/casino. My dad was just as excited about the hotel room than he was the scenery. Our room has two bathrooms, which is pretty cool. Before I go on, you should know that my dad enjoys the simplest of things. That’s all. With that being said, my dad called me into his bathroom to show me that his toilet seat was one of those that you couldn’t slam shut, but was one that shuts gradually on its own. When I was in Japan, one of my hotel rooms had a toilet that you could press a button and water surges out of the toilet, cleaning out your arse before you wipe. See, I thought it was weird, whereas my dad would have been on his knees in worship.

We got back to our hotel from dinner last night at around 8:30. My goal was to stay up until 10 there time which is 1am my time. My dad asked if I wanted to join him at the blackjack table. I joined him so I could try to beat my jet lag. Sorry, I forgot to explain why I was so tired. I got up at 4am to catch my 6am flight. I traveled 9 hours to San Fran, then got in a car and drove another 4 hours to Lake Tahoe. Anyways, I was at the blackjack table and my dad asked me if I knew how to play. I arrogantly laughed, “Yes I know how to play.” My dad replied, “Ok…” in that “you don’t know what the hell you’re getting into” voice. The first hand I was dealt I wanted to stay, so I told the dealer just that. She said that I had to slide my cards under my chips. The hardest part about blackjack is communicating to the dealer that you want to stay. I was having great difficulty sliding my cards under my chips. My left hand was doing all of the work, so I reached out my right hand to lift the chips up so that I could slide my cards under. As I reached out my right hand, the dealer said, “Nope you can only use one hand, and you can’t touch your chips when you’ve already bet them.” You’ve got to be shitting me I thought. The dealer wouldn’t go onto the next player until I did so. My hands were shaking, and I had worked up some back sweat as all the players were staring at me in amazement, including my own father.  After 20 seconds of me performing, in my mind, a magic trick, I finally got the cards to go under my chips. Success. The dealer ended up getting a 21.

Currently, I’m writing this blog just shy of 5am because: A. I went to bed at around 10:30 last night and still am a little jet lagged and 2. My dad is redefining the phrase “sawing the logs.” Until next time.

Excuse Me?

Before you read this you are required to watch the video above. WARNING: this is real.

This is an actual music video by The Nelons shown in my department meeting of where I work. I started to laugh at the beginning because I honestly thought it was a joke. Nobody else was laughing around me, so I had to suffer through all of the spoof ideas that I had for 4 minutes. Talk about torture. Immediately after my meeting, I went to my friend’s office to show him the video because I knew he would get it, and I desperately needed someone to laugh with me. Just as expected, he laughed just as hard as me, and not only that, but, within seconds, he sent the video department wide.

I must preface what I’m about to say by saying that I am a Christian. We’re going to break this song down like scripture. Calm down conservatives, it’s not going to be that bad…for liberals.

I was racing through the airport to make an early flight;

I wanted to get home to see my children and my wife.

In the first two lines of Lee Greenwood’s I’m Proud to be an American he says, “If tomorrow all the things were gone I'd worked for all my life, And I had to start again with just my children and my wife.” It’s in the same key and same rhythm. Just like that, we got a lawsuit on our hands.

I rushed around the corner – an apple stand was there,

Until I knocked it over. The fruit went everywhere!

If you’ve read my blog, you know that I traveling is a hobby of mine. I have been in airports all over the world, and have yet to see a farmer’s market.

At first I kept on going – I just couldn’t miss that plane –

I looked over my shoulder, not stopping to explain –

What a dick.

A girl was down there on her knees - groping ‘round to find,

You know, I expected this lyric from Lil Wayne, but not from you Nelons!

The apples scattered on the floor – then I saw the girl was blind.

It just got real.

As my plane was leaving, I stopped to lend a hand.

I picked up all the apples, restored the apple stand;

To replace the bruised and broken, in her fingers pressed some bills

As I hugged her narrow shoulders, she reached to hold me still…
And said…

Excuse me, are you Jesus?

Is that why you were so kind?

Excuse me, are you Jesus

To have had me on your mind?

You picked up all the pieces,

The bruised and broken parts;

You put me back in business;

You were Jesus to my heart…

Let’s recap. Guy is walking through the airport. Guy’s clumsiness leads him to knock over apples at the farmer’s market in the airport. Guy was just going to let the workers there clean it up. Guy sees one of the workers cleaning them up. Something tells guy that he should clean up the apples he knocked over. Guy sees that the worker is blind. Guy pays for the apples that he bruised. Guy gets compared to Jesus Christ.

There are many differences between this man and Jesus Christ. For starters, I never imagined Jesus being clumsy. If anything Jesus might have knocked over a single apple, but would have the awareness to kick it with his Achilles tendon over his shoulder right in his hand. The guy is calling himself Jesus for putting out the fire he started. Now if the guy wouldn’t have knocked over the apples, and the blind girl just decided to pick one of the apples from the basket and hurl one right in his piehole, and the man still gave her cash, then I would probably be asking this man to turn my water into wine.

Bridge - Once I was bruised and broken, blind and groping on my way,

When Someone stopped to help me, paid the damage, made me say…

…aaaaayyyyy (drums) And I’m proud to be an A-Mer-I-Can!