Sick on a Plane

Rob was about to get on a flight to head back home from his business trip. He was a very successful business man, and he knew it. 

Though he seemed like a man with zero insecurities, Rob’s had an undying fear: getting sick on a plane. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to miss work, or get his wife sick, or he had some event to attend; he just had a fear of getting sick on a plane. Whether it be a head cold, nausea, motion sickness, it didn’t matter. 

Rob gets on the flight and tries to find his seat, C17. This was a spur-of-the-moment business trip, so first class was unavailable. Adding insult to injury, he had to sit in the middle aisle of the plane. Not only the middle aisle, but the middle seat of the middle aisle. As long as the people next to him aren’t fat he thought. Fat people are the worst according to Rob. All they do is consume, not produce. They’re what’s killing America. All the fat people.

Rob was relieved to see that both people sitting next to him were average-size people. When the plane started to taxi, the girl to the left of him started to cough. Heavily. Like you could tell it was one of those coughs that produces phlegm, and then you wonder if they’re just going to man up and swallow it or just leave it in their mouth for awhile until they can find a sink or something to spit it out in. Anyways, the cough was horrific. Since Rob was so worried about sitting in the middle of fat people, he completely forgot about his phobia of getting sick on a plane. There’s no turning back either, the plane had already started moving. 

The sick woman politely approached Rob, “Hi I’m Lynette,” as she held her hand out for a handshake. Rob gripped his fist, “Let’s fist bump,” learning every move from his idol Howie Mandel. “Oookaay,” Lynette said in an uncomfortable tone as she timidly gave Rob the fist bump.

Lynette: Are you headed home now?

Rob: (Annoyed) Yes

Lynette: I’m sorry if you can barely understand me. I just got came down with a head cold.

Rob: Well, as long as you don’t snee-

(Lynette sneezes and some of the snot mists in his face causing Rob to flinch)

Rob: (Breathing in) Aaaaand you did it. You definitely did. Oh my God.

Lynette: I’m so sorry.

Rob started to breath in the barf bag. Lynette was very confused as to what was going on. “How can I help?” Lynette asks Rob as her hand was on his back to offer support. “For starters, you can get your hand off my back, and you can stop breathing your sick air into my direction.”

One of the flight attendants moved Rob to the back since his attitude was becoming aggressive. He had a whole row to himself. At this point, Rob didn’t care where he sat as long as he didn’t get sick on this plane.

The plane landed, and Rob waited as the plane was making its way to the correct terminal. When the seat belt sign flashed off, Rob fought little children, old ladies, the handicapped, to be first in line to get off that plane. Rob got off the plane without any signs of sickness. Rob raced down to ground transportation to call a cab. As he was waiting for a cab, he sneezed. “At least I’m not on a plane,” Rob said with a smile.

The Virgin Barry

Barry was just your average cynic. When everyone would get excited around him, he always found a way to bring them back down to reality. He was very successful at his job as a sports marketer; he took his job very seriously. He only had a couple of friends, but Barry was content with his life, even though he, sometimes, made it sound otherwise.

But then, Barry met a girl, Mindy. Mindy had long, blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes, and a face that makes you look twice. She headed up the local community’s Humane Society. She was a church-going gal full of love, laughter, and high-positive energy.

Barry always thought that “more beautiful on the inside than out” was bullshit, until he met Mindy. Barry told his friends that this was the one. They were happy for him.

Barry and Mindy had been dating for 4 months. They would laugh together, cry together (mostly Mindy, not Barry), encourage one another, like each other’s Instagrams, so on and so forth. Things were going great until:

Mindy asked Barry to attend church with her the upcoming weekend.

Barry had never been to church before. Not even on Easter or Christmas! He had been invited to youth groups, church camps, etc. since he was in high school, but he never wanted to go. His parents never went to church, so he never really felt a conviction or obligation to attend or else he would be smitten by the good Lord to the pit where there would be weeping and gnashing of teeth. He didn’t hate God. He just thought of God like Santa. Of course he didn’t hate Santa; he just didn’t believe that he would be coming down his chimney anytime soon. 

Barry’s infatuation with Mindy took over him, so when she invited him, he had no choice but to say yes. This was a relief to Mindy because her family religiously attended church, so she knew that this would mean a lot to them.

As Barry entered through the double doors, he was greeted by a man with jeans, a La Tigre polo, and Reef flip-flops. “What the hell?” Barry said under his breath as he immediately felt overdressed with his Calvin Klein suit on. Everyone was really nice to him. He was almost uncomfortable with how nice people were treating him, but he was with Mindy and that’s all that mattered. He just wanted to go in, sing a couple of songs, hear a guy say some words that were spoken thousands of years ago, and get the hell out of there.

Her family had seats saved for them: front and center row. Since this was his first time, Barry was not thrilled about sitting front and center, but he swallowed his pride, met her parents who seemed like lovely people but also your typical “church-going” couple. 

There was a crazy light show and a fog machine on stage. Barry thought that maybe Mindy surprised him by taking him to a U2 concert. A man walked on stage with an electric guitar, then the light shined on him: not Bono. “Hello, I’m Chad. Is everyone ready to worship our King and Savior Jesus Christ today?” The crowd roared. Clapped. Cheered. One redneck a couple rows back even said, “Hell yeah!” Barry had no idea where he was. Church was seeming more and more ridiculous to him. “Everyone stand on your feet and let’s worship.” Barry did not like being told what to do, but he stood out of respect for Mindy and her family.

After the 2nd song ended, there was an interlude. Just the acoustic guitar was being picked with a light piano in the background as Chad spoke to the audience, “Everyone lift your hands to heaven.” Barry had enough of this guy telling people what to do. Everyone stood with their hands lifted high. Except Barry. Except the guy who was sitting front and center. This did not sit well with Chad. Chad’s bothered, but smiling, then steps away from the mic and addresses Barry.

Chad: Hey brother. You think you could lift those hands up for me? I mean for our Lord and savior Jesus Christ?

Barry: Nah I’m good. 

Mindy: (Whispering) Barry!

(Room gets uncomfortable. People around Barry start to pray for him)

Barry: (Addressing Chad) I’m not proclaiming myself to be the Antichrist or anything. I’m just not in the mood to lift my hands you know what I mean? And besides how many hands do you want to be lifted? I mean, how many hands does our Lord and savior Jesus Christ want to be lifted?

Chad: (Sensing his sarcasm, he backs up to the mic, apologetically) Ok.

Mindy’s family wasn’t pleased, therefore, Mindy wasn’t pleased. Barry hated this. He didn’t want to go to church in the first place. He only went to please Mindy. Maybe he should have raised his hands for Mindy. This idea dawned on Barry, but it was too late. The sermon was now over. 

After church, Barry and Mindy were on their way to get lunch with her parents. There was no dialogue in the car ride there. Finally, Barry spoke up.

Barry: So, church was good.

Mindy: Yeah.

Barry: Look, I’m sorry, but what did you want me to do?

Mindy: Just raise your hands. It’s not that hard.

Barry: Obviously, I wasn’t keeping my hands down because of the difficulty. It’s the principle.

Mindy: Oh geez…

Barry: So, you wanted me to lift my hands regardless of how I felt?

Mindy: Yes.

They walked into the restaurant, where Mindy’s parents were at the table waiting for them. The conversation was actually going better than what he expected. Her dad talked to him about sports, and her mom was even being a little flirty with him, not too much but like that soon-to-be-mother-in-law type of flirty. After they were done eating, Mindy’s dad said, “Barry, I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t uh raise your hands when everybody else did.” Barry became terrified that he was about to slip into his cynical nature, and so was Mindy. Barry didn’t want to hurt Mindy. He didn’t know what to say. Should he lie? He can’t do that either. Mindy wouldn’t want him to do that. Or would she? She did ask him to raise his hands no matter how he felt. “The truth is I hurt my shoulder yesterday doing yard work. I’m still in a lot of pain.” “You couldn’t lift one of your hands?” her dad replied. “Both shoulders. I hurt both shoulders,”  Barry said as he lifted his hand for the check.