The Friendly Thief

The door creaks as the thief quietly sneaks into the bedroom. Justin wakes up to the thief stealing some of his things. Startled by what is occurring before him, Justin asks with a voice that is just waking up, “Who are you?” The thief replies, “I’m just taking a couple of your belongings if you don’t mind.”

“I do,” Justin says confused.

“Well, ‘if you don’t’ mind’ is a courtesy more than anything. Of course you mind, but that still doesn’t really stop me. And it has nothing to do with the person that I’m stealing from. I’m not like a ‘Dexter’ type of thief; I do it for the thrill. Alright, I’m going to the living room to see what you got in there.” With his eyes squinted and mind twisted, Justin dazes in pure confusion as the thief leaves for the living room.

Justin gradually sits up from his bed waiting for his morning wood to die down. He puts on some shorts and proceeds to the living room. The thief was in the laundry room attempting to steal the washer. The thief yells for Justin not knowing that Justin was right behind him, observing the situation. “Oh, there you are,” the thief, relieved, says to Justin. “You think you could help me carry this washer down to my car?” Justin pauses, “Just the washer, not the dryer?” “I actually already have a dryer, so…” Justin shakes his head and throws his arms in the air, “Ok.” The thief has Justin lead the way with his back to Justin. Now they are going through the kitchen as Justin sees a knife in the knife block on the counter. Justin asks the thief if they could set down the washer in the kitchen because he needed to adjust his grip. Justin reaches for the knife. The thief turns around and catches Justin in the act. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” as the thief lifts his sweatshirt up and reveals that he’s packing heat. “I like the thought though! Look, I’m not here to harm you; quite the opposite in fact.” “How ‘the opposite’?” Justin curiously wonders. “Think about it,” the thief says. Justin thinks about it, but still doesn’t get it. The thief breaks the silence, “Alright, you ready? Lift with your knees.” Justin bends down and lets out a grunt as he lifts the hefty washer and helps the thief carry it to his car.

The thief and Justin get back up to Justin’s apartment with a significant amount of sweat due to the weight of the washer. The thief heads for the refrigerator, “You mind if I have a beer?” the thief asks out of breath. “Does it matter if I mind?” Justin sarcastically asks, gasping for air. The thief laughs, “There you go! Now you’re catching on! You want a beer?” Justin, in defeat, says, “Sure.”

The thief challenged Justin to a game of chess in which Justin accepted. Within 5 minutes of the game, the thief declares, “Checkmate!” with a grin from ear to ear. “Dammit,” Justin mumbles under his breath. The thief grabbed the pieces and placed them in a giant Ziplock bag, took the chessboard, and placed the chess set in a linen bag labeled, “JUSTIN’S THINGS.” “That too?” Justin asked, distraught. “Yeah, I’ve been looking for a good chessboard.” “How did you know my name?” Justin asked pointing at the bag. “Saw your name on your mail. I like to record who it is that I’m stealing from.” “What is your name?” Justin asks the thief. The thief laughs, “You know I can’t tell you that.”

They sit in the dim, silent living room mainly because the thief had taken the plasma TV and lamps, which he had put in his bag. The thief walks over and grabs the guitar, “Yep, this is perfect,” as he added that to the bag. Justin, muddled, sits there staring at him in amazement. The thief walked over to a picture he had in a frame right next to where the TV was:

Thief: Is this your girlfriend?

Justin: Actually, my fiancé.

Thief: Congrats man!

Justin: Thanks. I appreciate it.

Thief: When is the wedding?

Justin: In a couple of months.

Thief: Nice! Are you nervous? Excited?

Justin: More excited than I am nervous. I mean, she's my best friend. I don’t have much to be nervous about.

Thief: Good for you.

Justin: And no, you can’t steal her.

They both laughed and just like that, the thief grabbed what were now his belongings, leaving Justin alone in the darkened, hushed living room.