AusTEN

I went to Austin, Texas this past weekend with my roommate, Jordan, mainly to see what all the hype was about this city. Austin doesn’t fit the stereotype of the rest of Texas. It’s more “Is this chicken organic?” and less “Duh hail?” Here’s an example. My roommate and I traveled to Austin. When 2 dudes travel together, people start to question things, so we had our work cut out for us. We were talking to a guy from Austin who informed us that it was Pride weekend. Without saying a word, I went back into my room and changed out of my borderline neonish, tie dyeish tank top into a solid grey t-shirt. It’s not that I’m insecure about my sexuality, but I also don’t want to be missing out on the chance at my future wife because they think that Richard Simmons is about to raid the streets of Austin.

The people there are very friendly except for this one guy. He had an emotionless face with sunglasses and an Indiana University hat on. As I was passing him on the sidewalk, I yelled, “Go Hoosiers!” Not a word from him. He walked past me at the same slow pace with the same blank face.

I ate myself into a coma from the moment I got off the plane because that’s what you do in Austin. For one of my breakfast meals, I had a maple glazed donut with 6 strips of bacon smothering the top. As good as this donut was, it made me want to take a shower ASAP. The trip was worth it for the food alone.

Also, Austin’s 6^th street is the longest stretch of bars in America, which we took full advantage of. I don’t know many bars we went to, but there was only one bar that we went to multiple nights: Pete’s Piano Bar. It’s a dueling piano bar that takes requests from the audience. The songs they performed ranged from Sweet Caroline to The Real Slim Shady. The second night we were there, this older guy comes in with an attractive younger lady with a giant rock on her ring finger. So, the guy was standing next to me at the bar, and I asked, “What do you do for a living?” He said, “I’m retired.” I replied, “Ahh. What did you USED to do?” He told me what he used to do, but it has slipped my memory. Then, I followed up with the question, “How did you meet your wife?” With a confused look on his face, he says, “That’s an odd sequence of questions.” Oh boy, I thought as I slowly distanced myself from him. About 15 minutes later, he approaches me, “Are you saying that I outkicked my coverage?” In which I immediately replied, “Isn’t that everyone’s goal!?” For about 3 seconds he had the same look on his face as the blank faced Hoosier guy, then busted into laughter, bought my friend and I a beer, then a jello shot that came in a giant syringe. I left him my blog info that night. So, rich guy if you’re reading this, stop and go be with your beautiful wife. Anyways, after that night we stopped to get some pizza on 6^th street. For some odd reason, we went into a place that had screamo music blaring in the background. As I was ordering, the guy, turned to his right and yelled, “Hey quiet down, I’m trying to do business out here!” I looked around, but saw/heard no one. Hesitantly, I finished my order. As he turned around to get my slices of pizza, “All hail satan” was imprinted on the back of his shirt. He gave me my food as I asked God to cast the demons out of each pepperoni on my pizza.

On Sunday afternoon, we went to this bar called “The Flying Pig” on 6^th street to watch some football. Not very many people were at the bar. There was live music playing because it’s Austin; that’s what you do. Jordan left his spot at the bar, I was alone at the end of the bar watching the game, and a guy puts his backpack down in Jordan’s chair, and since the music was loud, he yells into my ear, “I got 10 pounds of weed in this backpack! Watch it for me!” as he went to the restroom. After I saw him disappear into the restroom, I picked up his backpack, and sure enough, it was about 10 pounds. So, I watched the game, and this gentleman’s weed, until he got out of the restroom.

We used the apps, Lyft and Uber to get around the city. The way each of these apps work is you request a ride, a driver comes and picks you up, then you pay them through the app. This was the most interesting part of the trip because this is where I met some of the most interesting people on this trip. Meet some of my drivers:

Adolpho picked us up from the airport. I asked him how long he’s been working for Lyft. Adolpho said, “I only work for Lyft when it rains because I‘m a professional tennis player.” I looked out the window and there were clear blue skies. “I’m sure you are Adolpho,” I thought, but what really came out of my mouth was, “Wow! Good for you!” About halfway into the trip, Adolpho tries to get a conversation going, “You know, Lyft is illegal in Austin.” “Is it?” I asked intrigued. He replied, “Yeah but you should be fine.”

Roman is about as monotone as you can get and very gothic. It was our first day in the city so I asked Roman, “What should we do while we’re here for the weekend?” I stumped Roman. You could tell that he doesn’t get out much based on the amount of time he took to answer this question. After minutes of deep thought a light clicked in Roman’s head, “Actually, I’ve really been into disc golf. You could do that.” “Yeah, that’s an idea,” I said unconvincingly.

Jalisa was very nice but also very loud. Since it was early in the morning after a long Friday night, I found her personality troubling even though it probably would have been lovely any other morning. She told me that her car’s name was Kiki. I asked her why and she told me, “You know this car just reminds me of a girl that gets from place to place real quick. I got a speeding ticket a couple of weeks ago, but I had no idea that I was going 85.” She, then, said that her previous car, “White Boy,” died due to an accident she had. Enter my doubts on Lyft’s background check. Despite her terrible driving record, she got us to where we needed to go: Gourdough’s.

Colin took us to the airport. He used to be a professional snowboarder. He fit the snowboarding stereotype: small, outgoing, in great shape, etc. “What brought you here?” Jordan asked. “Well, my ex-wife dragged me here so that she could be closer to her boyfriend that she was cheating on me with for 10 years.” “Oh dear…” I said softly underneath my breath. Colin got a call on his phone that he has linked to his Bluetooth stereo. He answers his phone, “What’s up fag?” The guy starts laughing. Then, we listened to them talk about their co-ed indoor soccer league and how they were going to “destroy some chicks tonight” for the rest of the car ride.

Terry. Oh Terry. I truly saved the best for last. Let me preface this by saying sorry for the language. It’s Terry, not me. I requested an Uber after a long Saturday night on 6^th street. We hopped in the car as he was talking to his boo over the Bluetooth stereo, once again. “Goodnight daddy,” she echoes throughout the car. He replies, “Love you mommy,” as I stared out the window trying not to eavesdrop. He was really quiet for the first half of the ride, then he asked us where we were from. When we told him that we were from Virginia, here is how the conversation went:

Daddy: Oh so you hang out with Bigfoot over there?

(Laughter)

 Daddy: Nah I know that stuff’s not true. Shiii. But aliens, now I belie dat. That shi’s trippy. Got no assholes. I know they’re for real.

Me: (Trying not to laugh) How are you so certain?

Daddy: I saw this thing on the TV. The History channel. They got these bigass heads, bigass bodies, no assholes. I even woke up my old lady because I didn’t want to be the only one experiencing this.

Me: (Whole shaking due to silent laughter because of this conversation and the fact that he thinks that he’s the only one watching a show on the History channel)

Daddy: Ya’ll think I’m crazy probably…

Jordan: Nah I can see that (silent laughter)

Daddy: Yeah man. Ask your grandparents about the UFO in 1941

Me: You mean Pearl Harbor?

Daddy: No man the UFO! They’ll know what I’m talking about.

Me: Will do.

So, Mammaw and Pappaw, let me first apologize for the language, but do you remember the UFO of 1941?

Craigslist Josh

So, I’ve been selling things on Craigslist. My initial motive was to make some extra cash, but then it morphed into me just wanting to meet some of the most interesting people out there. I sold a total of 9 items in a 2 month span, and now it is my duty to share some of these stories, so that we can judge Craigslist customers worldwide.

First thing I sold was my desk. This was going to be an easy sell because it was a great desk. The desk had two parts: the bottom part, which was just the typical desk part and the top part, which consisted of the cubbies that went along with the desk. It was awkwardly shaped, so it took Sweet Cam (refer to last post) and I about 30 minutes to load this on the trailer. As we made a left turn out of the driveway, the top part of the desk detached itself and fell of the trailer onto the road. This was very embarrassing due to the fact that I was only moving about a half mile down the road. Now, I had to put a little more effort into selling this thing. I went back and lowered the price on Craigslist by about 75%. A guy text me and said that he wanted to meet me after work to take a look at it. I met him after work at my place. He said, “Let’s see if it’s sturdy.” Side note: whenever I quote my Craigslist buyers, just imagine the thickest redneck accent possible. It makes the story funnier and not too far from the truth. Anyways, since he questioned the durability of the desk, he was shaking it violently, laying on it, giving it the People’s elbow, etc. “It’s sturdy,” he says. I sold it and helped him move the bottom part of the desk out to his car. As I went back in to get the second half of the desk, I could not get in because it was locked. This was very unfortunate since my keys and cell phone were in my apartment. I borrowed the Craigslist buyer’s cell phone and contacted my sister who contacted her roommate who contact my roommate to let me in. Luckily, it was only a 30 minute process. I got him the second part of the desk in exchange for a quick $50.

My desk chair was nothing special, so I listed it for $20. This kid messaged me and said that he wanted to buy it. Let me just say, this “kid” was in college, but referring to him as a “kid” makes me feel superior, so let’s just go with it. The kid shows up at my place and takes a look at the chair. He says, “All I got is $10.” Since I was once a college student I knew that his financial situation was that of a Nicolas Cage. I said, “Sure that’s fine.” In which he replied with, “Can you break a 20?” Thinking this was a joke, I laughed, “No.” He, then, went to the gas station down the street to break the 20 while I dead-bolted my door to teach that little shit a lesson. JK. He came back and I took the $10 from him. I would have taken 5. Joke’s on him.

I put an old guitar on Craigslist for $50 because at the time I had 4 guitars. Also, I put a television with a VCR player for $10 on Craigslist. I had an interested buyer with each product, and they both wanted to meet me after work. When I got home after work, the guy that was interested in my guitar was waiting outside my door. He turned out to be a nice fellow so I let him talk me down $5 off the guitar. As we’re playing guitar, I hear a knock at the door. Enter the guy who was interested in my television. Now, I’m about a wife beater and a Garth Brooks song away from establishing a flea market. The guy comes in, looks at the television and says, “Let’s see if it works.” He plugs in the television and pulls out a Rugrats movie from his back pocket. Pops in the VHS and says, “Would you look at that. It works! Could I talk you down?” I replied, “I’m pretty firm at $10.” He shrugged his shoulders, “I thought I’d try.” I could see my other buyer was getting annoyed that I wasn’t playing guitar with him anymore, so I saw the Rugrats man to the door. John Denver and I played guitar for about an hour in my living room. As he left, he turned to me and asked, “Do you know Jesus Christ as your personal savior?” Stunned by his boldness, I hesitated, which is something you do not want to do in Lynchburg, Virginia. “Yeah I know him.” He must not have bought my answer because he invited me to church that Sunday.

At our old place, we had a vacuum called the cat piss vacuum. Basically, our neighbor gave us this vacuum that smelled like cat piss, but of course, I did not put that in my Craigslist ad.  The lady that was interested in the vacuum met me at my place, and at first glance, I already didn’t like the lady. She came walking towards me with hungry eyes and no smile, which made my smile feel stupid so I wiped it away. I said, “Hello.” She said, “Well let’s see it.” Slight hesitation on my end, “Ok.” I went and got the vacuum and brought it out to her. She said, “Alright well let’s see if it works.” “Oh boy,” I thought. She plugged in the vacuum and started vacuuming my living room, as I was praying to the Lord on High that it would just be me smelling this terrible odor. She stops vacuuming, and started to sniff around, “Do you have a dog?” she asked. Timidly, I answer, “No.” She said, “This vacuum needs to be cleaned out. Clean it out for me.” I took the vacuum outside to clean it out as she followed. As I was on all fours cleaning out this vacuum, I looked back to see her hovered over me with this crazy look in her eye. I, again, threw up another prayer to the Lord on high since we were about one R. Kelly song away from getting weird. See guitar guy, I do know Jesus. Anyways, the vacuum was as good as new. The lady, then, informed me that she only had a 20 even though we agreed on $25. I would have been fine with $20 if my right arm didn’t smell like a cat litter. Nonetheless, I took the money…and a shower…by myself…thankfully.

Leave it to Seavers

Meet Cameron Seavers a.k.a. Sweet Cam, Cam Man, Yes Man, Cam the Golden Retriever, etc. Cam is honestly one of the genuinely nicest people that I know. When Cam and I first started becoming friends was a few years ago when I was looking for someone to go to Indiana with me for a short weekend trip. It’s about a 9 hour car ride from Virginia to Indiana. Cam barely knew me and had never met my family, so this was quite a shock that he actually agreed. On the car ride to Indy, it consisted of Cam and I belting out 80’s rock with Cam hitting some of the sweetest high harmony parts that would put Michael Bolton to shame. But when our friendship really started was on the car ride back from Indy. We had been driving for a few hours, and I received a text from my mother saying, “Keanu Reeves died in a skiing accident.” We, both, sat in a moment of silence thinking about how Keanu had impacted our lives from Neo to Shane Falco. After a couple of minutes, Cam looks out the passenger side window and nonchalantly says, “Well. Death waits for no man.” I laughed hysterically for a solid 10 minutes causing Cam to laugh with me. Another testimonial to who cam is: he has taken me to the airport at 5 in the morning more times than I can count. One time, I paid him back with a $5 Footlong in which he didn’t complain. Better man than I Cam; better man than I.

A few weekends ago, Cam was getting married. Not only was I looking forward to him getting married, but I, more importantly, was looking forward to the college reunion that was about to take place. The wedding took place in Pennsylvania. Cam warned us that we would be out in the country. I didn’t know that we would be out of the country. I had better cell service in Japan than I did in Pennsylvania. It was like a summer camp with less counselors and more beer. All 9 guys stayed in a tiny log cabin about 2 miles back in the woods. We had an ATV, a lake, boat, fishing poles, corn hole, etc. The closest civilization was about 20 minutes away, and I wasn’t mad about it.

Cam, Cam’s brothers, Cam’s dad, and Cam’s grandfather pretty much built everything for the wedding with the help of others. I tried to help but I wouldn’t say I’m the handiest person in the world, but I’m trying. When we first got there, the Seavers were building the dance floor for the wedding. My friend, Addison, and I went to help. Background on Addison: he finished his entire basement on his own. My background: I lived in my parents’ basement for a period of my life. Once we got to the dance floor project, Addi jumped right in and saved the day, while I was asked to retrieve the tools which consisted of me googling the tool names and coming up short due to the poor cell service. Regardless, we completed the dance floor, and I was there for it.

I love wedding festivities, but weddings are the WORST…when you’re single. Weddings are just a reminder that you can’t convince a girl that you’re an alright guy. Out of the 9 groomsmen my 2 friends, Trav and Zach, and I were the only single ones. We were taking a group picture with all of us guys and their wives. One lady obnoxiously yelled, “Singles in front!”  A married girl went up to Trav and this phrase actually came out of her mouth, “Always a groomsmen; never a groom.” Trav kept his mouth shut even though he had a lot to say. Better man than I Trav. Better man than I.

The reception rolls around, and they put the 3 singles, Zach, Trav, and I, at the same table. Segregation man. Now, the father of the bride is dancing with the bride, Leah a.k.a. Sweet Leah, Leah Woman, Yes Woman, Leah the Golden Retriever, etc. I’m pretty sure that’s how that works. Anyway, as they’re dancing, all of the bridesmaids are crying which all of the groomsmen are thinking, “Here we go.” Then, Cam goes to dance with his mother to the song Place in this World by Michael W. Smith. It has such a nice 80’s ring to it, which was fitting. Cam sang the whole first verse to his mother as loud as the song, which I was so proud of him for. Then, the chorus came around and Cam changed to the higher octave and started crying. At least I’m pretty sure he started crying, but I’ve never seen Cam cry before. Since I had just got done judging the bridesmaids, crying was not an option, so I had to think of any Eminem song that I could. It worked, but obviously the rest of the crowd did not have Slim Shady going through their mind. The wedding weekend was a blast. Congrats Cam and Leah. I’m happy for you guys.

People not mentioned that we're involved: Brock Nardozzi, Charlie Waters, Jordan Whitehurst, Cullen Seavers, and Chase Seavers. You guys are cool.

Bóstoñ

This past weekend my friends, Matt and Jordan, and I went to Boston and Rhode Island. I’ve never been to either place but I love Good Will Hunting, so I thought I’d check it out. Actually, I’ve always wanted to go to a Red Sox game at Fenway. Since this is Derek Jeter’s last year, I thought that this would be the perfect time to see one of the best athletes of all time play in one of the best sports rivalries of all time in one of the most historical venues of all time. That’s a lot of “all times.” I beat you to it.

The first couple of days we stayed in a suburb of Boston known as Everett. I don’t know if “the ghetto” is considered a suburb. Maybe it should be labeled as “the streets.” Let’s start over. The first couple of days we stayed on the streets of Boston. Or is it “in the streets?” You get the point. The first night, Matt, Jordan, and I hung out with our Irish friend named Jameson. We left Jameson at our place, and headed down the street to see if there was any type of night life. There was one place that had insanely loud Spanish music with a strobe light, so obviously, we had to see what this place was all about.

Right when I walked in the doors, the kind security guard followed standard procedure…and checked me for blades. As he’s checking me, I was all like. That’s the last time I use that, I promise. I’m not Mexican, nor am I a part of any sort of gang, so I felt a little out of place. Anytime I would talk to a girl I could always see a guy just staring at me with rage. All I wanted the DJ to play was Gas Pedal. The language barrier was pretty tough to break there, so I had to get the waitress to take me up to the DJ where I had spelled out the song “Gas Pedal” in a note on my phone. After about 20 minutes of waiting for the song, Gas Pedal finally comes on, but the DJ put a Mexican beat to it, and only played the first verse. I, immediately, became frustrated, then terrified as all of the men in the club looked like they wanted to hurt me, so I decided that it would be best to round up the troops and head home before we get mugged by the guy from Machete.

The next day, we went to the Red Sox game. Fenway Park is really cool and our seats were awesome. I sat in the middle of all Red Sox fans which was good since I had my Red Sox hat with me and left my Yankees hat at home. We sat next to one Red Sox fan that had so many one-liners that I started to write them down in the “Notes” application on my phone right after the “Gas Pedal” note. This guy called THE Derek Jeter a “pile of goober” in the thickest Boston accent you can possibly think of. The fans in Boston are ruthless. Jacoby Ellsbury is a Yankees player who used to play for the Red Sox. Every time he stepped up to the plate, everyone booed him in typical Boston fashion. After about his third at-bat, and everyone booing him, I kind of felt bad for the guy. I thought to myself, “Hey guys. Take it easy on him. He was probably making the best financial decision for him and his family,” as I booed the sh@t out of him. We had one Yankee fan in our section who he stood up as one of the most beloved Red Sox of all time, David Ortiz, came to the plate, and he started to chant, “O-Ver-Ra-Ted (clap) (clap) (clap) (clap) (clap) O-Ver-Ra-Ted! Everyone!” The Red Sox fan I referred to earlier immediately chants, “Shut-The-Hell-Up!” Boston fans in general are second to none. The Red Sox lost, but we got to see Derek Jeter play and David Ortiz hit a home run, so I would consider that a good night.

The whole New England area is really cool. Rhode Island and Boston are night and day, but I really enjoyed the differences. If you’re looking for a cool weekend trip, New England is a great place to go.